Catalogue Chatter

Great news! I now write for the REI catalogue! Most of you are familiar with REI, the outdoor equipment store which markets glitzy and over-priced outdoor items like the flossing compass, the edible trowel and Thermarest underwear. Now I get to review and do write-ups about all sorts of recreational equipment for the REI catalogue! And my dear reader, you are in for a treat, for here are some of my initial write-ups:

Sleeping Bags

The Mother Goose Bag, by North Face: North Face has taken a novel approach in their new sleeping bag design. The sleeping bag shell is filled with actual, live geese. The bag provides incredible warmth (while using this bag on an expedition to Mt. Aconcagua I slept commando style). However, be prepared for a lumpy and noisy night as the geese never cease bickering and honking and snapping at your appendages. One bonus: during the holiday season you can remove a goose or two for a nice Christmas dinner.

The Helium Bag, by Kelty: Kelty's new bag is filled with actual helium. It is airy and light as a feather and provides incomparable loft. Additionally, it has a nifty valve which allows you to inhale the helium and say things like "Luke, I am your father!" while you gaze at the stars. You need to be really careful with the Helium Bag, however. On a recent trip, my hiking buddy, Turkey Tetrazzini Pete, forgot to stake his sleeping bag to the ground. He fell asleep in Yosemite, floated over the Rocky Mountains and woke up at a truck stop in Casper, Wyoming. Also, the bag provides as little warmth as Ms. Stiles, my high school calculus teacher. She had the personality of a crock pot, and one Friday night we saw her out on a date with her overhead projector.

The Bag Bag, by Outdoor Designs: The Bag Bag has incredible specifications. It is one ounce and can be compressed into a thimble and carried in your pocket next to your chapstick. On a recent trip to Kings Canyon I set up camp and spread out the Bag Bag. My brother, Jay, commented: "That's it? That's your sleeping bag? It's just a black garbage bag! You ding-a-ling!" I examined the bag more closely. Indeed, it was a classic Hefty Cinch Sac garbage bag. The Bag Bag is truly the world's first disposable sleeping bag. In a pinch it also functions as a trash bag.

The Bacon Bag, by Eagle Creek: Eagle Creek's developers have designed a remarkable sleeping bag which smells like bacon. Prior to marketing, each bag is placed in an oven and slow roasted with several slabs of sizzling bacon. The aroma permanently seeps into the sleeping bag material. That way, whenever the sleeping bag is unravelled in camp, all of the backpackers can enjoy the smell of fresh-cooked bacon which permeates the camp like incense. The good people at Eagle Creek wished to create a homey, Sunday morning kind of feeling for backpackers who purchased the Bacon Bag. My friend Ferbs (not his real name) and I (not my real name either) used the Bacon Bag on a trip in Sequoia National Park. At a moment past dusk every animal in the forest, including the mosquitos, showed up in our campsite drooling and hyperventilating (yes, mosquitos can drool and hyperventilate). Rumor has it that the Eagle Creek research and development team is now working on The Waffle Bag and The Burnt Toast Bag, and for those who enjoy lounging around camp at noon, the crumbled gorgonzola bag.

Well, that's it for now. Please look for additional reviews in the REI catalogue coming out next month. In that edition I review inflatable toilet paper and the Trout-powered Stove. I also wrote an article entitled Granola: How it has Shaped American Politics. Stay tuned!