The Triceps will Inherit the Earth

Simply Sublime

A guide to the lesser known photographs of Ansel Adams:

1) "Moonrise Over Marmot"

A marmot is seen peering over a rock. A crisp, silver moon rises behind the marmot such that a halo, or a piece of fine white china, seems to hover behind its head. The marmot looks saintly and introspective, like a dog sitting in the kitchen on Thanksgiving as the turkey is removed from the oven, or a beauty school student completing her thesis on sideburns. A granite boulder roosts in the foreground. A shadow is cast upon the boulder. The shadow looks like the facial profile of Spiro Agnew.

2) "Half Dome on the Solstice"

A man is sitting at a table outside an In-N-Out Burger joint on Hiway 99 in Manteca. His hands hold a burger, and his elbows are propped on the table. The burger is a few inches from his mouth. The man is balding, and his forehead has a domed and bossy appearance. The skin across the scalp seems stretched and tight, like Saran wrap. It glistens, thereby implying that the day's heat stored in the asphalt must be escaping now that dusk is near. The man's eyes look at the camera and seem to express his gnawing discomfort and awareness that his head is too big for his body. Three boys sit at the table and shove fries into their mouths. They are smiling. A girl and a woman also sit at the table. The girl, apparently the oldest child, glances at the boys and sports a subtle scowl, her nostrils barely flaring and her eyes squinting as if there is unseen dust in the air. The woman (the mother?) empties a ketchup packet onto her plate. She is stunningly beautiful and ethnically ambiguous, as if she is Portuguese (or Burmese?).

3) "Yosemite Falls at Midnight"

This photograph is completely black, like someone smoothed tar over the confines of the photograph's frame. It is stark and sublime and invokes primitive emotions, like the emotions you might feel when you put away the dishes from the dishwasher then realize the dishes were actually never cleaned. Now you realize you don't know which dishes in your cabinets are clean and which are dirty. You then must spend your entire day washing every cup, dish and piece of cutlery you own. This photograph is best viewed in a darkened room or with your eyes closed, thereby heightening its emotional impact.

4) "Mirror Lake"

Yosemite's Mirror Lake is in the foreground. The sheen across the lake surface reflects Half Dome rising skyward. A family of deer nibbles grass in a meadow near the lake. A deer with antlers looks at the camera. His jaw is askew, as if he is chewing his cud, or chewing gum (it is difficult to tell). The male deer wears a bemused expression, as if he has never seen a camera on a tripod or he really enjoys Trident sugarless gum. A dogwood and an oak are near the meadow. Like all oaks described in literature, this oak is hoary. It is sublimely hoary.

5) "Wanda Lake in Winter"

Wanda Lake is shown with patches of ice floating over its dark, foreboding surface. So powerful is the image that gazing at it makes you feel physically cold. It is not unlike the feeling you get when you swallow ice or you step into a cold shower. (It is not recommended that you swallow ice while taking a cold shower while gazing at this photo). There is a group of hikers in the background wearing Sherpa style backpacks and snow shoes. They are bulging Michelin Man style with what I suppose is several layers of clothing (or inflatable longjohns). You can tell it's an old photo, because the hikers all have beards and walrus-style moustaches like the guys on baseball cards from the 1890s or like my neighbor, Chad Stiles, who is severely allergic to pronouns.

Join me next week when I review little known writings of John Muir, like his "Home for the Holidays" cookbook, his "Classic Opening Chess Moves" for chess aficionados and his gluten free haikus.